When Covid Shatters Lives, Part II

This is a bit of a switch from weeks and weeks of puppies but it is important.

It has been four months and eight days since Clark Osojnicki left us.

Photo of Clark in Montana by the talented Lisa Kaufman.

The Extremely Awful Place seems to start for the close survivors about 3 - 4 months after someone dies and it continues for weeks and sometimes months. Most people, however, do seem to move back to the Dark Place after/around 5 - 6 - 7 months post-death, which feels like relief after weeks in The Extremely Awful Place.

That the Dark Place would feel like a relief tells you a lot about The Extremely Awful Place. It is really, really awful.

The factors that seem to land most people in The Extremely Awful Place at similar times in their grief make complete sense.

The stunned shock of early grief wears off and it is like the nerve endings for life are coming alive again — and they flipping HURT.

No longer protected by that numbness, the reality of what it means to have lost this person is like a sea of flashing bulbs, popping off constantly and creating a new disequilibrium that is blinding and chaotic.

You just want to go back to bed — even when you are actually still in bed.

You feel like you are not real anymore — that you are just going through the motions while everyone else does “normal life” in a way you cannot understand.

And on top of grieving the one who is gone, you add the worry and grief for the parts of yourself that do not seem attached to you anymore.

“What is wrong with me?” you wonder. And you imagine it will be like this forever and that fills you with despair.

And all that is happening at the exact time the groundswell of support that happens following a significant loss is receding back to normal life.

Even worse, many think the bereaved should be better by now. They do not understand The Extremely Awful Place is normal; their judgment adds additional burden and it is crushing.

So what do we do?

If we are the person sitting on that hard, splintery bench in The Extremely Awful Place — and trust me, we all take a turn — do not make it worse by thinking this is a permanent placement (it is not) or that it means there is something wrong with how we are handling grief (there is not).

Keep breathing. Dial back even more. Accept help. Reach out. Tell people who care: “I am in The Extremely Awful Place.” Don’t worry about showers, vacuuming, or anything that feels extra. Just keep breathing.

I promise it gets less awful.

If we know someone who is likely in The Extremely Awful Place — show up. You cannot enter The Extremely Awful Place but you can sit outside. You can send cards, notes, food, encouragement, support, acknowledgment. There is no magic wand but loving presence is actually pretty darn powerful.

Don’t let The Extremely Awful Place become The Extremely Awful and Loneliest Place Ever.

Again, it has been four months and eight days since Clark Osojnicki died.

#team

Wildflower Updates!

It is wonderful to get Wildflower updates and hear how very well they are all doing. Now eleven weeks old, they are growing and changing and learning as you will see from these reports of all the fun.

We start with an update from Bridget about Kitsap (Sage):

Kitsap had another good week.  With each day he seems more settled into recognizing our house, yard and neighborhood are part of his domain.  He is very comfortable sleeping underneath my chair all four feet in the air. Although not under my chair in this photo you see the relaxed nature of his napping.  Notice the paw holding himself in place.  He’s definitely a sound sleeper with vivid puppy dreams that include all kinds of twitches and whimpers without ever waking up.

Kitsap is a good eater and his willing to be quite vocal if I don’t have a BalanceIT meal precooked and ready to deliver on a moments notice.  Late this afternoon in particular while I was cooking the next batch with tuna, egg, pumpkin and quinoa he barked more than we have collectively heard since we got him.  Clearly he wanted me to speed up the cooking phase and get to the serving phase pronto.  You would think he’d never been fed. We will get an official weight at the vet tomorrow, playing the game of weighing myself with and without holding him, it looks like to me he is about to about 19.5 lbs. Our vet, Dr. Scamahorn, has authorized our use of the BalanceIT site for Kitsap so I have developed a variety of combinations.  So far every combination I have served has been eaten quickly.  He’s also quite willing to eat the Darwin’s raw having sampled all three meats in his sample package.

He is rather pleased with his ball pit and tends to come in from outside and hop in for a bit of joking around.  Talking a chomp and deflating a ball or being so rambunctious as to send many balls flying outside the pit.  It has become a good activity to practice the be wound up in play and then have to settle for a few moments for coming back at it with gusto.

Kitsap is very attentive no matter who is cooking, as is evidence by the care with which he is keeping an eye on Bob as he cuts veggies for a salad.  He also shares that type of attention if treats are on offer for training.  I have to really pay attention so I am sure to reward that wonderful focus.

Kitsap had fun getting to know Hasley, a friend and colleagues, English Springer Spaniel field type.  The two had a great time and we plan to make it a regular activity a couple days a week. In a picture below are the two coming together for treats.

And to wrap up this week’s update.  The book case is still the preferred station for chewing and to bring all toys.  Tonight’s rendition is bringing a food bowl as if to say can I have some more please. 

HILARIOUS!!!!

Thank you so much, Bridget, for the wonderful update and photos. It sounds like Kitsap is doing all the right things in fulfillment of the Puppy Job Description :)

We also have a fun update from Penny and Caleb about The Adventures of Zeus (Mallow):

On Sunday we went to Georgia and Patty's for a play date and had the joy of not only meeting them and Buttercup, but also Barb and the puppies’ great-great Aunt Maddie!  Zeus and Buttercup wore each other out while we all enjoyed the pups and got to know each other.  Georgia then offered to spend some time in her training room...

Georgia gave us all a lesson in classical and operant conditioning with her Manners Minder remote treat dispenser. Then offered to work with us for Zeus's AKC Novice Trick Dog checklist. Caleb followed Georgia's lessons and worked with Zeus.

Georgia signed off as our evaluator on Zeus's Novice Trick Dog Checklist so we can submit it for his title!! He performed: Get in (a box), Sits in box, Get on (4 paws), Paws up( 2 front paws on step) Push-ups, Spin in circle, Touch It, Agility Tunnel, Hand signal for sit, and Jump (over low bar)! It was a lot of fun watching them work. Zeus was super engaged and confident. What a day! 

GREAT JOB, TEAM ZEUS

We are so appreciative of Georgia and Patty for welcoming us and sharing their time and knowledge with us. The kids had a blast! We are looking forward to attending training with Georgia in one of her upcoming class series.

Over the last week, Zeus has continued to enjoy getting to know his home, his yard, and the chickens. We have worked a lot on Sit-Down-Come and Crawl. He knows his name and Sit is definitely his go-to maneuver if he suspects a treat is involved. He has been very attentive and engaged and we are rewarding him for that behavior.

He experienced his first rain and wasn't sure he liked it very much do we'll definitely be working on that given our location in the rainy Pacific Northwest! He also had his first vet visit and handled it well! And we're trying to add more people to the running tally.

Raymond and Ada continue to enjoy playing and cuddling with Zeus. Raymond is watching the training videos with us and learning ways he can help train and how to best interact. And we are focusing on lots of positive associations for Zeus with the kids.

We really appreciate the Puppy U videos and seeing everyone's updates. We are a lucky bunch! 

Best wishes to everyone!

Thank you, Penny and Caleb, for such a fun report of your weekend adventure. It is so great that Buttercup and Zeus live close enough to visit each other, and that Georgia and Patty can be a wonderful resource to our new members of the Berner community.

Yes — we are doing an online Puppy U. Alison Jaskiewicz and I work together to offer this to the Wildflower families, and we have a couple of other upcoming guest instructors as well. It is a team effort for the new members of our community.

And did you catch that Zeus has also earned the Trick Dog Novice (TKN) title! Buttercup was first, and then Zeus — and not to be left out, Pozy Clarkia also added TKN to her name.

The AKC’s Trick Dog program a fun way to engage a puppy and master new things — and it is not especially hard for confident, smart puppies like the Wildflowers.

This is the video I submitted for Pozy’s TKN, although the evaluator suggested I hold off on my two Handler Choice options shown in the video since they can be used at a more advanced level. Therefore, I substituted an additional behavior suitable for the Novice level and Pozy earned the title. FUN.

I hope it is not too tricky for you to have a fantastic day!

Good Advice

While Sparkle had an ear hematoma dealt with, Pozy and I spent a few hours in Missoula. She ran a baby track at Fort Missoula, met the people at the dog food store (masked, of course), and walked around the University of Montana campus to meet more people.

This sums up Pozy’s attitude about everything…

Be bold in ensuring your own excellent — and safe — day.