Here is the summary: I was right. I wish I had been wrong.
Having the Gaslighter blow himself (and me) up in a most spectacular fashion 3+ years ago taught me to trust myself. My journals over many years documented suspicions and discomfort, but I gave more credence to his deceitful and very convincing gaslighting than I did my own perceptions and experiences.
Never again.
Assuming good intentions of people is so important — I won’t stop. Most people are good, decent, honest, and doing their best. But now my voice is heard and honored. I won’t ever again ignore what I feel in my heart to be true, no matter how skillful the gaslighter.
Professionals can exist in a kind of gaslighting patriarchy, whereby we — the non-professionals — are too often expected to do or believe what we are told. The professionals, after all, are the ones with the superior knowledge, skills, and expertise. Who are we to question?
But as both a professional and an educator, I know that no one person — no matter how educated or experienced — can know all. It is not humanly possible, and there is no shame in that.
Hanging out before the CT scan
The workaround for the limitations and imperfections of being human is a well-functioning team. One that communicates, collaborates, and keeps professional hubris out of the team spaces. One that is unafraid to acknowledge mistakes and dead ends, and will nimbly change directions with new data.
Sparkle had x-rays on February 10. Five different veterinary professionals have looked at them, and the opinions ranged from “looks fine” to “suspicious knee” to one of them saying, “hmmmm — hip?”
I am not bothered by any of that. It is just data about a challenging diagnosis.
I was especially impressed that a radiologist and ortho/surgeon looked at the x-rays together, discussed them, and disagreed! That is what collaboration is all about. Even better — I was told about the disagreement!
Stoned Sparkle post CT Scan
I had already shared my perspective — right hip. I had also said I was worried about a malignancy in a bone because of the level of pain Sparkle was experiencing. Only Professional Opinion #5 aligned with mine — I guess that made it four against the two of us on Team Hip Oh 💩.
I wish I had been on a different winning team.
The CT scan showed she does indeed have an issue with her right hip that is almost certainly a sarcoma lesion of some kind; a needle biopsy was done and we will known more soon.
If you look closely, you can see the spot where the needle went in — an easy procedure done while she was under anesthesia.
This is where a career focused on end-of-life/loss/grief comes in handy. When people ask what I will do, I have no answer because I am focused on the right now.
Huh!
Here is another useful thing I learned from having that whole Gaslighter Explosion Thing happen — just do the next right thing. Worked like a charm — I made through that giant hot mess of a dumpster fire relatively intact. The next right thing — that is all you have to do in a crisis.
And yesterday, after the CT scan, the next right thing was getting better pain meds on board for my girl. Sparkle is now much more comfortable as we await the biopsy results.
Sparkle this morning 🩷🙏
There is more to say but I only want to be working on one book at a time and so I will end this blog update here and pick up the story again tomorrow.
I know Sparkle is well-loved by so many of us — thank you for that 🩷
